Married men who are gay
The Gay Man in the Straight Marriage
Rob rushed into his first session with me, gym bag on one shoulder, briefcase on the other, 10 minutes late and out of breath. He arrange his bags down, gently put his Blackberry on the table in front of him, and heaved himself onto the couch. He sighed and began: “Okay, I’m gay, I’m married, I have three kids, and I’m not getting divorced.” He’d mutual some of this knowledge with me in our phone conversation, but I was still struck by the sense of hopelessness in his tone. As he paused, awaiting my response, quite honestly, I was awaiting my response as well. I knew this was not Rob’s first experience in therapy and that a lot was riding on what I was about to say.
Rob had been referred by a former client of mine he’d met in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Just out of alcohol rehabilitation treatment, he’d begun attending AA meetings, where he’d shared parts of his story. He described a long battle with his sexual orientation, growing up in a devoutly Roman Catholic family, where he learned that his sexual attraction to men was cause for eternal dam
An Introduction
My client sat in the chair looking down at the floor, glancing up briefly to make eye contact, then darting his eyes back to the carpet. He spoke quietly, as if almost scared to be heard. He clutched his hands throughout the session, displaying all the markers of an anxious guy in the throes of shame. He was a modern client to my practice: a married, middle-aged, suburban dad with a high-powered career. A colleague had given him my number months before. It took him a distant time to muster the courage to call and produce an appointment. Towards the end of our first session he looked up at me and said, “I reflect I’m in love…with another man. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.”
I include worked with hundreds of gay men in heterosexual marriages struggling with entity in the closet or wanting to emerge from it. There is so much about these men that is misunderstood and very few studies or little literature to provide insight. I decided to give my thoughts and research about these men and their struggles at a conference a several years ago. That presentation led to other opportunities to tell their story and of my work with them. Those presentations prompted men to draft to
2."I knew I was gay, but where I grew up it was not OK to be gay, so I hid in my imaginary closet too scared to advance out for dread that I would be beaten up and rejected. So I got married, not once but twice. Both marriages lasted about four years. The first marriage was without children. I tried so hard not to be homosexual. I confessed to a pastor and was told I need to be accountable to him. I was seeing a guy after my first marriage ended and I was told I needed to crack up with him. I needed to be in church every time the church was start. I needed to attend a daily prayer group. I met with this pastor every Tuesday after prayer organization for a two-hour bible study. And at least 2-4 times in a two-year period, I would fast for three days and then have Satan cast out of me by two pastors."
"Then I met my second wife at church one day. She was beautiful and definitely out of my league. We fast got married and had our first child. I was trying so difficult to be vertical, but marriage is difficult especially when married to someone that you execute not desire. In that marriage, my wife and I created two beautiful kids. We divorced when they were 3 and 1 years old. I finally came out when I was a
Is My Husband Gay? Signs of a Gay Husband
Sometimes a girl may have been in a heterosexual relationship for years and yet feel something is somehow "off;" and she may discover herself asking, "Is my husband gay?" Many women find this question unthinkable but according to Bonnie Kaye, M.ED., an veteran in women married to same-sex attracted men, it is estimated that 4 million women have been, or are, married to queer men. If a husband is gay, it can devastate not only the relationship but the straight wife as well.
Signs of a Gay Husband – Is My Man Gay?
The clearest way to know if your husband is gay is if he tells you. If the husband is honest with both you and with himself (read: How Do I Know If I Am Gay? Signs You Are Gay), that is when you can truly know that he is gay. Unfortunately, it is estimated that 50% of same-sex attracted husbands hide their homosexuality from their wives and don't arrive this place of honesty on their own. In many cases, it is the wife, who after suspecting that something is wrong, must confront the same-sex attracted husband with the evidence, and only then can honestly be achieved.
But if you're wondering, "Is my man gay," it might be helpful to know that there are signs to gaze for, accordi